Never Mind

So I changed my mind about going private. I feel a little sheepish about this because a) I never could figure out how to moderate the comments so that your email addresses would never see the light of the internet, and b) I was all huffed and puffed with a lack of trust for about 48 hours. Without going into needless detail, there was a doubling of security compromise and it was (understatement) lame, infuriating, and time consuming to fix. We found the source, which had nothing to do with this blog, so I've decided to keep it public (for now). This has invited me, however, to consider why I keep this blog and what I hope to achieve by investing time into it. It has documented the most major transitions in my life, starting as one of all the single ladies (oh, oh, oh), to getting married, buying a house, and starting a fam of my own. I started it 4 years ago (what?!) and for me, whether I identified this at the time or not, it was a way to fight solitude. I was fairly fresh off a break-up that left me full of second guesses, I was sad, and frustrated with life. When I read back on some early posts, I can remember searching for a distraction from my sorrow and also hoping that by documenting all the fun/funny things I would believe that everything was 100% awesome. Also, when people are choosing to read your spoutings, you're not quite so alone, right? To use an odious Susan Sarandon-ism, you have life "witnesses". Give 3 cheers, because soon enough after creating this blog, I moved to Huntington beach and was hooked up with the most fun group of people ever. It has been a great blessing to exit a few key eras of life on a high. My last semester at BYU: my favorite one. My last area of my mission: one of my favorites. My last year and a half as a single girl: spent with creative, hilarious, good friends who came equipped with killer senses of adventure. We were lookin sharp, the more the merrier, there was loyalty and caring, it was a delight. My sorrow and confusion dissipated. I met Jeff! Really, what a blessing it all was. I had all these excursions to record and I knew that Jeff, being a ninja, probably told his parents very little about our relationship, and in my way I kept his parents informed on what an A+ boyfriend he was. Now that I'm married and momma, blogging has changed yet again. First of all, I already have a Susan Sarandon witness to my life, and he's tall, blonde, and his name starts with J and ends with Eff. I don't have the time I used to. I feel like I should reign in some things because once again, Jeff is a ninja and I'm a pirate and I want to respect his inclination for privacy while not being a completely closed book (because closed books don't blog). I have never been one to climb up onto my internet soap box and wail about my problems. In fact, I don't like to mention problems, period, until I have some idea of a solution. Also, it makes me uncomfortable when people hop on social media and say, "Why me??" and "Wish today hadn't been so horrible..." Blatantly seeking advice is awesome. But it is nails on a chalkboard when people indirectly beg for compliments, piles of sympathy, etc. etc. etc. People: if you are spiraling, get on the phone and call your go-to person. If you don't have one, go get one and/or Dr. Laura will listen to you and ferociously bark out her advice. Your vague Facebook status updates and blog posts hinting at how your life is the worst are very transparent and it doesn't seem productive. My life is not perfect, not close, but I don't feel like my blog is the place to voice all my serious complaints and drama. In any case, I'm not writing for an audience as much; I want to have a record of my little family and I am just another one of those Mormon mommy bloggers who is obsessed with her child and is trying to live life well and clean and "above reproach". I don't work on my writing as much as I used to, I don't have the space in my brain to remember ALL of the quirky things I see throughout my day; residue of pregnant brain, perhaps? Anyway, I blog for my immediate and extended family and if people think that's interesting, then great! I hope my religion shows through; I am happy to share my beliefs. Short story long, this blog isn't earth shattering but as long as Jude's grandparents have access to a computer, and no one is using this blog to breach barriers of security, I will keep it a la public.