09 July 2010

A Rampire

That's a new special word I made up for Vampire Rant.

Ok. So since you've all been dying to hear it, I'll pony up.

Recognizing that many people view the Vampire phenomenon as fun, escapist reading, a clever idea, etc., my rant stems and froths into a brew of loathing, disappointment, and annoyance for the sake of THE CHILDREN [cue ringing stiff, artheritic fingers in the air].

I'm going to try to be concise.

The writing is monotonous, flat, cheesy. But come on, how many Harper Lees and JK Rowlings and Lief Engers are there in the world, anyway? She wrote something, edited it a million times over, and got it published! She has KIDS and she wrote a book. That's a whole lot more than I've done. I'll give her that for sure. BUT, the following will always bother me:

Although she knew that a large slice of the Fan Club pie chart consisted of tweeners, those young, impressionable, awkward things who are growing up in an increasingly sickened, misguided world, she paints the picture of an awkward girl, aka someone they appreciate and relate to, obsessed from head to toe with one thing and one thing alone. She has no other thoughts, no other ambitions, no other interests besides those that lead to "Be the vampire's woman." When he leaves, it's totally great to shut off and shut down. It'll be worth your time, because he'll come back. And when he's back, you drop it all and run to those chilled, "marble" arms and six-pack. How about a life of conversations that always end in a declaration of "You are my reason for living." [Cue stares and foreheads touching.] "I'll give you anything you want, it's yours when you say the word." [Cue make out.] Instead of using the devotion of her multitudinous, young fans to paint a picture of a thriving, interesting, interestED girl with a thought of her own swirling around in there, who can ALSO have happy romantic rushes and zips, she painted a picture of a flat lining girl who won't touch anything non-Edward with a 10 foot pole, for no apparent reason other than the fact that she's a heroine/ninny combo.

And just a couple of other things that didn't hit home until seeing it on a screen:

Book 2: When your teenage daughter goes missing for hours, and there's a huge search going on for her in the middle of the night, and a big, buff man carries her limp body out of the forest with his shirt off, wouldn't your first reaction, as a father, be to beat him to a pulp instead of thanking and hugging him?? I think so. Jeff pointed that one out.

Book 3: When your obsessive feelings for the ice man are being confused by another guy who never wears a shirt, THE MOMENT you see the other guy in ANIMAL FORM, ALL ROMANTIC POSSIBILITIES END THERE. Wrong. ALL SORTS OF WRONG. You don't snuggle him and scratch his ears while he's a wolf-man and implore him to be careful in battle, and then kiss him later. No. It's just wrong.

The End.

4 comments:

m.m. said...

i love you for posting this. exactly the reason i won't be letting my young girls read those books (or why i never got into them either).

can't we find some good female heroines who are strong and brave and independent and passionate about bettering themselves AND tell the men what to do? waking up to find a boy staring at your while you sleep (after sneaking into your room) is NOT a turn on. run little girl. run far away!

The Four Redheads said...

I'm glad someone else I know isn't obsessed with Twilight. I only read the first book because all my friends were going to the midnight showing of the first movie, so I wanted to be cool and go. The movie was so horrible I couldn't stand it! And I haven't read another book or seen another movie since. Even though my friends here say they get better, I'm not giving in. Now after reading what you just posted, I'm glad I'm standing firm! It is cool that a fellow BYU English grad has been so successful, though. Maybe someday you can change the world with your heroine in your novel! I'll read it for sure.

Elizabeth Jex said...

Never read the books...they're at the bottom of a long list of books to read. I've just been creeped out by the fact that Edward is like 100 years old...a 100 year old man chasing after fresh little teenager booty is really freaky and gross. I don't care how much his skin glistens like diamonds (which is actually, kind of gross too.) On the other hand, maybe dating a guy who had all the wisdom of 100 years but the body and energy of a 20 year old would be cool??? I don't know, I am currently having a shameful addiction to the Bachelorette, so I can't really get too high and mighty about these things. But let's be honest about one thing: I would LOVE to have a dream that would inspire me to write a bunch of books that sold by the millions and were made into major film productions. Cha-ching.

[AnnieR] said...

You took the words right out of my mouth. I wrote a poem about this for a friend. I might have posted this on my blog but I'm thinking now I didn't. Would you like to hear it? I knew you would.

ODE TO THE UNFORTUNATE TWILIGHT PHENOMENON

Thank you Stephenie Meyer,
Thanks a whole bunch.
When I read your book,
I retaste my lunch.

I just don't get it, this vampire thing--
Why it makes the girls swoon,
Even those with a ring.
Is it filling some romantic void?
It just makes me feel very annoyed.

I'm hoping this craze will, too, soon pass
With that old Ed six feet under the grass,
Never to rise again in the pages,
Up on the screen,
Or in dreams of all ages.

Who knew that a fad
Based on writing so bad
Could send grown women amok.
"Oh Edward!" they cry
And dramatically sigh
To reveal their necks for some suck.

Some may think that boy is tasty,
I doth think the kid is pasty.
I should not say this about a youth
But he should consider a tanning booth.

Vampire humor--I will attempt it:
Steph, your books suck!
Get it? Get it?