so it's 4am and the sleeping pixies have long-since stopped sprinkling their dust atop my head, so i've been pitter pattering around my apartment, reading, looking at clothes on line i can't afford, and now the only thing left to do is blog. that's right, blog. and you're looking at the proof!

hmmm #1: methinks i'm going to learn how to sew. i am so going to sew (that's 4am humor for ya, didn't promise it was anything great!). if it turns out ugly i'll say to friends and lovers, "oh that?? my visiting teacher made that for me. nasty, isn't it." if it turns out great, then duh, you'll know about it, because i'll take pictures of it from 39 different angles and blog a toot-toot-toot-my-horn post! you betcha.

hmmm #2: don't ask me how this happened, but i've become a reality tv idiot. whyyyyyyyyyyy??? i almost can't look at myself in the mirror anymore, but then i get over it, because i've got to get ready for work and mascara can't be applied without a reflection. ok here's the shameful list: 

- first it was momma's boys with the bigot mother i couldn't just not watch. i had to see how deep a hole she would dig!!! 

- then it was bromance, with the boys crying about not getting to chill and ill with brody jenner. it was fascinatingly repulsive.  

- then the real world had to throw a mormon dude (who wears scarves, no less!) onto the show, so now i have to see if he's going to be a cool mormon, a jack mormon, or a self-righteous mormon (we all know what happened LAST time they put a LDS on there.  even those like me who never watched the show once!  i did watch larry king put her in her place.  utter enjoyment). 

- then on mondee jeff's roommate petah was watching true beauty, and there's, for some inexplicable reason, something addicting about watching true narcissists in action. 

- AND THEN AMERICAN IDOL STARTED.  don't worry, i'm not about to give that up.  good clean fun for the whole family!

T.O. : is that how ryan seacrest lives his life?  has a bunch of minions who think up ways to make people look like the mental and moral dregs of society and get them on camera with hopes of fame and grandeur?  bleh.  i still don't know how i feel about this.

sleepy hmmm #3: if it were MY inaugural event this week, i would give everyone in the audience a burberry coat.  just for being there.  maybe an oompa loompa too.  depends on how much money i was getting through illegal donation channels like the ukranian mob.  what would YOU give-away-out???

i'm going to go give sleep another shot.  goodnight.

The next Robert Frost

NPR has so fantastically commissioned Obama poems in honor of the upcoming inauguration.  Jeff Hayes, Poet/Lawyer, is submitting the following sure-fire winner:

Ode to Obama 

(and the institution of unbiased journalistic integrity known as NPR)

by Jeffrey M. Hayes

O is for the only black president, which you are.

B is for your nickname, Barry.

A is for the all-mighty power that we recognize in you.

M is for your mench-like attributes.

A is for America --Yes We Can! (repeat three times)

It's enough to make both Peggy Noonan AND Hillary Clinton get all choked up.

Facts

Or maybe now that Paula Abdul is back on TV, it should be "truths"?

#1: My arms got sunburnt while eating an al fresco lunch yesterday. In January?!? Are you KIDDING ME?!?!
#2: Our dear Presidente-to-be Obama-mama-rama has tried very hard to avoid being a "Celeb Prez," but his 95 MILLION DOLLAH DOLLAH BILL inaugural bizzle will cue performances by 23 celebrities, including U2, Shakira, and Sting (none of whom are American citizens, but I suppose that being our common victims in the horrific effects of global warming, they have reason to be just as dazzled about our new Capitan as Oprah, who IS an American citizen).
#3: Purple is a horrible color. Oh I guess that's not a fact. Or is it...?
#4: The relief of having an income again still hasn't worn off.
#5: My mum cut my hair yesterday. Except you'd never notice it, because it was just a bite of a trim.
#6: And now this has become a boring blog post.

Tonight I went against all that I am and cleaned out my room. I gutted each cranny, and found some cool things. A cute picture of President Monson. A deck of cards, which is nice because I've had a hankering for a lively game of Spit ever since Big Bear. And, once again, I found Cameron's gag gift from Christmas 2006. He sent it to me on my mission, and I love the lug so much I dragged it with me from area to area, and all the way back to the USA. It's one of those things I'll never use, yet have been unable to part with. Until now. I am being unabashedly cruel to the pack rat within, and it's got to go. Knowing that nauseating guilt would smother me as soon as it passed the dumpster lid, I decided I would assuage the discomfort by internetting the proof of it. When Cam gets back from his mission in 16 months, I'll show him this post and say, "Hey! See how much I appreciated your gift???"

Anyone who can tell me what this line is from and thereby the significance of this item gets 23 gold stars.

"There's poop falling from the ceiling. Poop!"

Baby Daddy

Yesterday I was at Target in the check out line.  I found myself right behind a young father of 3 who was loading up the conveyor belt with his extensive spoils.  The little bambinos, the eldest of which could not have seen more than 4 years on this Earth, were causing quite a ruckus, as is their duty.  The Dad was flustered, but sweetly and patiently keeping on top of it all, muttering things to himself about, "Yes, we got the Taylor Swift CD, ok there's the Windex, oh, and the nail polish..."

Then suddenly as the cashier began scanning their bounty of items, the oldest threw his arms up in the air, 

"Dad! Dad!  GET ME DOWN, GET ME DOWN!"

Dad: Ok, yeah...[picks him up and gets him out of the cart].

Boy: I've GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!

Dad: No, you have to wait a few minutes.

Boy: NO, I've GOT TO go NOOWWWWWWW!

Dad: No!  I can't take you right now!

Boy: I'm going to go to the bathroom in

THREE!....

TWO!....

ONE!....

Nothing happened in the way of bodily waste making a home where it shouldn't, but I think Dad must have popped a few Excedrin when he got home.  Utterly cute.

Tire Karma

I just got 4 new tires a few months ago. It was on the night of the first Presidential Debate, and I was watching it in the "waiting sector" of the tire shop when lo and behold, the dude working behind the counter realized his favorite, most inspirational show The Family Guy was on (barf and insipidness), so he changed the channel. When he left the room I snuck behind the counter, found the remote control, and changed it back to the debate. He looked a little confused when he came back into the room, but anyway, I'll be paying him another visit this very day, because my back left tire made an evil alliance with a nail, and I've got to ask Mr. Warranty to make good on his reason for being.

But first the epic and heroic tale of the Sabbath Tire Scandal!  I discovered the tire tragedy when I left Sunday Services.  Accolades fly with unprecedented velocity in the direction of homeboy Jeff, who came all the way back to church to put on my spare for me.

He's working away...

The other dudes drifted over, wanting a piece of the action, grunting, and showing their manliness and automotive expertise (at first I felt embarrassed that they seemed all concerned but then I remembered that the Y chromosome makes unavoidably THRIVE off this stuff. Flex the muscles, be a part of the action, they wouldn't miss it for a Miley Cyrus concert or a Bromance episode.  Moths to a flame.

Mike Cunningham took it upon himself to be the foreman of the project, barking out useless orders at rapid fire speed, and handing out his Tax Attorney business card to anyone who wanted (or was willing) to marvel at it.

Now the job is done, I'm off in a minute to catch up on my soaps at the Tire Shop (traveling 30mph with the donut), and don't worry, I was sure to give homeboy a few of these for his services:

I don't care what sort of a toy it was, it could have been a Tickle Me Elmo dipped in gold with the Hope Diamond for an eye, there's no way I'd have done it.  "Son, I may not live to see your 3rd birthday, but by gosh, you shall play another day with your Elmo!"  

Have a great weekend!

Is this how it happens now?

Last Saturday I got picked up on while I was checking my email and Facebook at one of these:

There I was, minding m' bidness, just feeding my addiction to Steve Jobs' products, and a guy comes to the next computer and asks,

Is this one being used?
Me: No.
Him: I've got to check something really quick.
Me:
Him: My name's Chad, by the way [swoops his hand over].
Me: Hi, I'm Meredith.
Him: You have beautiful eyes, by the way.
Me: [It's all comin together now] Oh, uh, thanks.
Him: [Peeks over to see my computer] Oh, you're checking Facebook? You should add me on Facebook.
Me: [Nervous chuckle]
Him: Come on, add me on Facebook and then it won't be so weird when I ask to hang out with you.
Me: [Stalling, wondering what in the world people say to this kind of thing without sounding mean.]
Then Jeff came over to save me with, "Are you ready?"

Cutting and pasting us into a bar, is that how it really happens these days? Merciful heavens.

Mommy, wow, I'm a big kid now!

I rattled and pranced about in the kitchen for a little while and out came 2 separate edibles!  I don't even think I uttered one single, solitary 4-letter word during the entire process!

#1: Feta Cheese Mashed Potatoes (for some reason I'm up to my eyeballs in Feta and was happy to have a recipe upon which to expend some of it).  

Below these spuds we come upon a Spinach Frittata (Spinach is to me as Sunglasses are to the Secret Service). 

Last Friday I also made Crepes with Spinach, Bacon, and Mushroom Filling.  Yo yo to all my fellow veggies: Just add the bacon for our dear carnivores after wrapping up a couple for yourself!

It's nice to see that compliance with New Year's Goals doesn't have to be filled with weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth.  Despite myself, the kitchen and I are having a pretty good time!

You know those dreams when you're wearing 100% spandex and you're walkin around, lookin around, running errands, going here and there, and some loving people suggest into your ear that you should change clothes and although that's THE ONLY THING in the world that you want to do, you shrug them off and say, "Nah, I'm cool."???????

You don't?  

Oh, well I had one of those last night.

A job, a job for Merzy.

Look at that face.  Just look at it.  How those cheeks give me cause to squeeze them!  I just want to hug and kiss and love her.  As babies go, Younger Niece is totally boss.

Ok, I had to start with something about someone else, because the rest of this post is going to focus on ME, ME, ME.  As my Annie Reynolds once said, it's time to get my real on.

On October 3 I got laid off, which I have mentioned a few times already on this here blog.  I nursed my woes by scooping deeply from a Yogurtland troff that evening, watched Lars and the Real Girl, and then the next morning felt quite rejuvenated and confident I would have another job in a matter of days.  Come on, I'm bilingual, have had great jobs in the past and maintain close, friendly contact with previous employers.  I did the BYU diploma thing -- what's to not love about my employee channel?  I bring loads to the table.  Loads.

Then followed 3 months of a quiet horror.  At first I had lofty ideals of the jobs I would consider, but my selectiveness waned in direct correlation to my funds.  However, even as I became willing to broaden my interests, the great American economy did not listen.  While I knew I was one of many talented people in the "Day Club", I began to interpret my lack of responsibility as lack of capability.  The bloom wore off the rose of total liberation at warp speed, and I felt jealous of my gainfully employed, needed, useful friends and family.  I missed my business-cazh clothing and loathed the 12 year old "hoodie" look that my daily activities merited.  Grandpa McOmber was right when he said to be grateful for hard work, because we'd be miserable without it.  I wondered how long the economy, in all cruelty, could remain so horribly flat-lined.

But then

I got a job. I didn't even tell anyone for a few hours, and still other people in my "inner circle" for a few days, because it's a job, not a career (the pay will scarcely cover my bare-minimum living expenses). Still, it's a job.  Sometimes it doesn't feel true that I once again have somewhere I need to be every day, once again I will draw money from some corporate bank account and deposit it into my own to pay for things like, oh, you know, rent and the haircut I have so desperately needed. (The crop of snarly hair sitting atop my head is an abomination.)  I am so incredibly grateful that I have the chance to work.  While slopping around in the jobless mire I learned this lesson hard and cold.  I suppose this is all to my long-term benefit that I experienced this humility gala now, but holy shiz, glad am I that it is done and done.  And with that my pretties, I say have a good day at work tomorrow.

The things of which I am sure in 2009:

- John Adams could have been my boyfriend, if only I'd been born 230ish years ago. David McCullough is painting him out to be just my kind o' guy.

- Boots with the furrr might be a little reminiscent of Kate Hudson circa 2004, but SAINTS BE PRAISED they are more comfy wumpus than a set of Egyptian Cotton bed sheets. I shall wear them until the day of stinkiness dawns.

- I might be put on some people's "Feather Weight" list for saying this, but I just can't handle more than 6 episodes of Arrested Development in one day. Even if it is vacay.

- One should not worry if one does not have a camera out at all times. Someone else will, and thanks to Facebook, one can always obtain any snapped images from any event. Please note Proof Exhibit A, Big Bear Momma Bear New Years Trip 2008-2009:

- Treats are never shoved so much in your face as when you've just vowed to detox, and made your boo detox with you.

9er

2009 feels good so far. My re-so-lu-tions:

- I don't do resolutions.

Just kidding; I only need to give them some more thought. I can say that one of them is to learn how to cook and another is to make my bed every day, but I need some more to put up with them.