single mormon aunties

the other day i read this article entitled the profile of an LDS twentysomething. it plucked my chortle strings and i'm happy for him for him and the witty dude that he is. but he forgot one thing:

single mormon girls (hereafter referred to as SMGs) love being aunties. they love being aunties with such fervor, to the immediate family it's admirable, and to everyone outside of this group, it's obnoxious. when a SMG learns she is about to be aunted for the first or seventeenth time, she shares the joyous news with everyone from the mailman to the costco sample hostess, absolutely certain that this will be something upon which they will reflect again and again, just as it is for her. every co-worker, due to frequent spirited reminders, knows how many days remain until the sex of the baby is determined. SMG aunties' friends and associates don't get a break after the water does. after the preg-o-nancy is over, SMG aunties will gush about every stage of the ripened cashew's life, from the first spit up to the thirty-second gurgle to the seventh demonstration of gross and/or fine motor skills. at times you can't tell a difference between the parent blog and the auntie SMG blog.

it's not that SMG aunties are the only people on earth who love their siblings' reproductions, or that MMGs (married mormon girls) don't feel strongly for their nieces and nephews. but SMG aunties really work hard to corner the market. maybe it's because they're in college and small things are scarce. maybe it's because these aunties had at one time expected to have their own muffins baked and ready by then and their maternal instincts are all dressed up with nowhere to go. maybe it's because a SMG auntie knows if she never marries she'll probably be the aunt with the most discretionary income, and therefore, through the remorseless spoiling potential, has an advantageous lead in the race for "favorite." maybe it's because a child's cute-o-meter is on a constant high when you're not the one who must discipline or feed it at 3 am.

k fine, i know, it's probably because we know families are forever.

whatever the reason, auntie SMGs stare in awe at these new members of their family, sure that these nieces and nephews are the most beautiful, smart, and uncommonly talented. they choke themselves up wondering how they could ever find words sufficient to tell these children how much their hearts spontaneously combust with love for them.

i would know, i am one of those. in the club. which is why you can expect no fewer than 29 posts in the next month about the niece or nephew which is about to be mine.