13 October 2008


this is what i know of oprah:
obviously she has more money than the queen of england, (although i think i remember reading in forbes that she has less money than j.k. rowling, which gave me great satisfaction), obviously she's all about the power to the women, obviously she isn't bothered by the subzero qualities of chicago to such an extent that she'd transplant her thang to a warmer climate, and that's about as far as she and i go.  ah yes, and my mother was once gifted with a year's subscription to her magazine, which basically means lying around my parents' house there were 12 chunks of her adverts for high priced home appliances, working mom/cushy clothing stores, and the final article always entitled something like "one thing of which i know," which was basically a new way to say each time, "be your authentic self, there are no rules, and have joy."  it made me feel very "at-one-ish" with  myself.  did i mention each cover shot was of her in some flowy skirt laughing gayly?  (according to my former roommate whose PR firm does regular work with her empire, there may or may not be a double meaning in the preceding sentence's last word, but that's another story for another time.)  

so even though my relationship with oprah is of rather a surface quality, i will say that i've happened upon a few of her shows that i've actually thought of several times.  
  • during the summer of 2005 sarah and i got sucked into the show featuring a self made millionaire with a set of cheap-skate rules that enabled him to afford his wife's 5 karat diamond ring.  i remember he saved every other pay check.  he only bought furniture from foreclosed homes, and only shopped warehouse style (that 5 karat ring was from costco). in time that added up (with some very wise investments, i'm sure) and now he's sittin pretty.  everyone better get a costco card or else no one will ever retire, saith he.
  • rudy giuliani may have guided NYC through 9/11 with courage and strengf, but he also was a cheating idiot back in the 80s.  his scorned wife lost her heart, but not her self-control, and faded with dignity into the divorce shadows.  shortly thereafter she was reunited with her high school/college love, the OTHER one who'd broken her heart, and with years of wisdom behind them, they joined hands, blended families, and both enjoy saint rudy's alimony.  it was cute.
  • and yes.  i did watch the tom cruise couch jumping phenomenon, and am grateful to know for myself that he is a bit loony.  this bit of info has enriched my life greatly.  
  • i watched an ex-polygamist compound child bride cry and cry about her decision to escape her texan prison; i did get sucked into that vortex of information.
so oprah, even though i get the sneaking suspicion you think you're the alpha and the omega, although you have seduced millions, and they look at you in your studio audience the way nazi youth looked at hitler, i thank you for your contributions to my little eaton life, and wish you joy in being your authentic self.

the end.

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