13 August 2008


ever since i watched that 60 minutes on sleep deprivation, which taught that, under no uncertain conditions, sleepers of few hours will have miserable, forgetful, fatty, frumpy, grumpy existences, i've been quite the bed-on-time enthusiast.  and yet, here i am at midnight, wide awake and considering embarking on a myriad of activities (dying my hair or watching a feature length film or burning cds for pals) before i have a date with mr. sandman.  why???

because i have nary an obligation tomorrow.  because, get this: i didn't interrupt/talk enough!!!

wait i'm just going to say it again because i can't believe it's even true.  i.  didn't.  talk (?). enough!

today i had an interview at a ridiculously successful architectural firm that, quite honestly, had me all glittery and twinkly.  i would be editing, which made the happiness alarm in my head start wailing, "HAHA!  me and a red pen!"  i was drunk off the bounty of possibilities.  

i can talk the cap off a pen.  if i'm next to a person with whom i have something in common i get all excited.  i'm like jojo the idiot circus boy with his pretty new pet.  the pet is my possible sale.  oh my pretty little pet, i love you.  so i stroke it, and i pet it........

[nervous giggle] just kidding.  or at least i hope i have a minimal amount of things in common with tommy boy.

but anyway i've felt lately that no matter my enthusiasm level, no matter how many things i have to interject, moments of similar opinion or experience, whatEVer, i should zip my lips and wait until i believe the other party has completely rung out their idea's sponge before i jump i with my 200 cents.  it all comes back to that self control thing my mom's so good at.  i've wondered lately if i cut people off too much, and if i do, that's a level of selfishness from which even i am ready to step down.

and tragically, today was day #1 of that project hush-hush-merzy.   

and tragically, today was day #1 of that biting me big time, as my feedback in my job-letting-down was that this translated into a lack of interest and passion.  and they gave it to someone who seemed really excited.  i'm not accustomed to getting turned down on the job i want.  it stung/k.  i almost stole a line from sense and sensibility and said, "i shall brook no refusals!"  if they only KNEW the firecrackers that had erupted up to my esophagus as they told me what i'd be doing and as i knew how experienced i am with it all.  as i imagined working in their heavenly edifice, scratching out errors with my blood-red pen, sprucing and gutting their verbiage to my heart's delightful indulgence, alongside guapo, brainy architects, 2 inches from where friends' offices and fashion island with the paranoid fish pond.

lesson learned: J.K.I.  Just Keep Interrupting.  i'm making stickers.  maybe that'll be my new job.  if i'm self employed i get to wear jeans every day -- christmas bonus!

lesson learned: after a 5 minute panic of self-doubt and "why did i quit my job and move when the economy is VICIOUS?!" i realized, "hey, i have a loosey goosey day tomorrow.  i'll sleep in...maybe get 10 hours!  i can finish that blasted book i won't openly admit i'm reading.  i have sunny skies, an empty house, a pool, a beach...."  

and now i'm off to paint my nails.  


Erin said...

Man that sucks. I'm so sorry Merzy. The funny thing is that if there's ANYONE in the WORLD that has enthusiasm it's YOU.

Maybe it's for the best...maybe there's another, better, more glittering job out there...

Aubrey said...

Enjoy this brief moment of unemployment. Don't worry about those shmucks. You'll find the right fit. And um...are we gonna play soon or what???