22 August 2008

Thank goodness for Vampires!

book 4. twilight.

i couldn't quite stomach it, but i read part and lindsey filled in the rest to give me closure.

with her worldwide audience (and largely self-esteem needing, impressionable, hormone-raging 13 year old fan base), this is what bella the ex-human wanted to share:

1) life is really crappy without a guapo, affluent vampire to be in twinkly loooooove with. in fact, life is sort of unbearable without a vampire! how any of us have managed anything resembling happiness in our vampire deficient state is really just puzzling.

2) without supernatural powers, we're just...ordinary. ?!?!?!? [insert "euh!"-ish undefinable noise that we all made as teenagers, and sometimes make as adults.] ordinary (the new 4 letter word) is also unbearable and a complete waste of time, so praises be for the option of turning into a vampire yourself, because only then can you really feel good about who you are. phew! catastrophe cleverly avoided, check!

3) if your BFF happens to be in love with you, and you love him too on some level but, unlike that silly twit in the notebook, elect rich vamp-boyfriend instead (plus to enhance your physical features and become immortal), DON'T give a hoot or a holler about your BFF's feelings. plead with him to still be there for you whenever and wherever and however, no matter what sort of turmoil vortex this sucks him into. because, shucks, after all, it's all about you!

4) another tip: it's best when the vampire-human love isn't really love, it's more like obsession and infatuation that never dies (coincidentally, just like yourself!). that way, whenever you make a mistake, your human or vampire lover, will not call it out as a mistake. you can do no wrong -- ever! it's great! between the 2 of you, no one ever steps a toe out of line, even veers toward error. if you're really smart enough to find them, there's always going to be another person or situation or other superhuman to blame it on. guilt is, just like ordinary mortality, a tragic waste o' time.

5) your love will grow and fester and continue at a rolling boil if you make most certain you whisper absolutely everything you say.

i'm so glad i learned these things NOW, before it was too late!

thanks, bells/steph!

p.s. i will say however, the movie looks really good, and..........i'll probably totally end up seeing it.


James McOmber said...

Schmell yeah! I'm above the Beatles on your sidebar!

Margaret said...

You forgot to mention that when you realize you can't be with your BFF offer him your child as a replacement. There is nothing icky or weird about that.

Don't even get me started on this book Merzy. Don't even get me started.

Merzy said...

truly margaret, truly. and james, por su puesto!