That's a new special word I made up for Vampire Rant.
Ok. So since you've all been dying to hear it, I'll pony up.
Recognizing that many people view the Vampire phenomenon as fun, escapist reading, a clever idea, etc., my rant stems and froths into a brew of loathing, disappointment, and annoyance for the sake of THE CHILDREN [cue ringing stiff, artheritic fingers in the air].
I'm going to try to be concise.
The writing is monotonous, flat, cheesy. But come on, how many Harper Lees and JK Rowlings and Lief Engers are there in the world, anyway? She wrote something, edited it a million times over, and got it published! She has KIDS and she wrote a book. That's a whole lot more than I've done. I'll give her that for sure. BUT, the following will always bother me:
Although she knew that a large slice of the Fan Club pie chart consisted of tweeners, those young, impressionable, awkward things who are growing up in an increasingly sickened, misguided world, she paints the picture of an awkward girl, aka someone they appreciate and relate to, obsessed from head to toe with one thing and one thing alone. She has no other thoughts, no other ambitions, no other interests besides those that lead to "Be the vampire's woman." When he leaves, it's totally great to shut off and shut down. It'll be worth your time, because he'll come back. And when he's back, you drop it all and run to those chilled, "marble" arms and six-pack. How about a life of conversations that always end in a declaration of "You are my reason for living." [Cue stares and foreheads touching.] "I'll give you anything you want, it's yours when you say the word." [Cue make out.] Instead of using the devotion of her multitudinous, young fans to paint a picture of a thriving, interesting, interestED girl with a thought of her own swirling around in there, who can ALSO have happy romantic rushes and zips, she painted a picture of a flat lining girl who won't touch anything non-Edward with a 10 foot pole, for no apparent reason other than the fact that she's a heroine/ninny combo.
And just a couple of other things that didn't hit home until seeing it on a screen:
Book 2: When your teenage daughter goes missing for hours, and there's a huge search going on for her in the middle of the night, and a big, buff man carries her limp body out of the forest with his shirt off, wouldn't your first reaction, as a father, be to beat him to a pulp instead of thanking and hugging him?? I think so. Jeff pointed that one out.
Book 3: When your obsessive feelings for the ice man are being confused by another guy who never wears a shirt, THE MOMENT you see the other guy in ANIMAL FORM, ALL ROMANTIC POSSIBILITIES END THERE. Wrong. ALL SORTS OF WRONG. You don't snuggle him and scratch his ears while he's a wolf-man and implore him to be careful in battle, and then kiss him later. No. It's just wrong.
The End.
