Things I'm Loving Lately

1. The Californians skits on SNL: Jeff and I can not stop watching them over and over and laughing our heads off.  Sometimes I talk to Jeff like Kristen Wigg's character.  What will we do without her?? Is she "off" SNL now???

2. Satellite Radio: With my car came a free 3 month trial of XM radio.  I am almost planning my errands around Dr. Laura's 11:00 a.m. show.  Mostly I love hearing her destroy her devout followers. I enjoy the dead silence after she pulverizes someone with a simple "Should you send your grandchildren birthday presents even though your daughter won't talk to you??  For goodness sake YES!  Sending birthday gifts is a nice thing to do!!  Why wouldn't you??" I also appreciate her traditional views and "No whining" attitude.

I also was listening to the Oprah radio channel the other day (it replays popular episodes) and found myself roped into an interview with an Indiana woman whose ex-abusive-husband tried to kill her, and nearly succeeded, and the officer who found her.  It was a very heroic and compelling story and just wrapping up when I returned home.  I had to know about the ex-husband's comeuppance.  At the time I was in the middle of refinishing a dresser in the garage, so I opened up all the car windows, cranked the volume, opened the garage door, and worked on the dresser a bit while I listened.  Unfortunately the officer went on and on about how to get out of an abusive relationship before depositing the story's final nugget.  I'm so glad all of our neighbors are at work all day or they'd probably assume Jeff beats me and that's why I was listening so faithfully.

3. This picture:

It popped up in my inbox the other day and I laughed big time.  Oh, engaged people.

4. This:

Actually, just kidding.  That's gross.  What is he, 60??  But I texted this screen shot to Jeff because when www.people.com deals with french no-lebrity news, he must be informed.  And I always love texting Jeff.

5. IKEA: We got 4 dining chairs and 2 barstools last Saturday for an Ikea price, and when Jude beats them to a pulp I won't pull my hair out.

6. I finally painted the back of the glass kitchen cabinets and am 150% pleased with the result.  It took very little time and $15 for the paint.  I just wanted the ceramics to not be lost in there.  Done and done.

BEFORE

AFTER

7. This is the dresser I refinished while listening to Oprah:  

Darn it, no "before" picture.  It had been the lightest wood with ghastly handles.  These handles aren't amazing either but the holes weren't spaced in a standard fashion and these fit.  "Anthro" is just not going into the budget for this.  It's going into Jude's room once we get the energy to haul it upstairs.  I have decided I'm not crafty but I love refinishing furniture and painting large surfaces :).  So if I ever have a daughter I'll have to buy her headbands but her furniture will be enhanced and fancified by moi. 

Teeth

Jude's gums are being slowly assaulted by 5 teeth.  I'd post a picture of the culprits but it's all I can do to get a glimpse myself.  Naps and sleep are spotty.  His mood is way up and way down.  And I forgot this was coming and thought there would be smooth sailing for a while.

And that is all I have to say about that.

At least I'm not married to this idiot.

Positively Pippa!

Pippa Middleton Theory: The paparazzi are pleased as punch to have a Pippa. Pippa saved their day. Pippa is cute, single, and rich. BUT, most importantly, she allows the paparazzi to somehow give us our Royal Fix without making them look or feel like scum. In the 2+ months since the royal wedding, I have been presented with about 500 pictures of "Her Royal Hotness" doing all sorts of stuff. Shopping, running, flirting, etc. etc. There has been ONE picture of Kate grocery shopping. ONE. The rest of the Dutchess of Cambridge photos have been at official duty functions were cameras are allowed and expected.

I think the paparazzi look at Kate and see the Diana. Oh Princess Diana, the charitable goddess in iconic clothing whose death is commonly viewed as a product of the shutterbugs and gossip columnists. They look at Kate and see Diana's very own wedding ring, they see her on the arm of Diana's son who had to bid an unfair and untimely goodbye to his doting mother. And either the guilt or the fear of looking wretched and cruel prods them to leave her alone. Maybe Kate hasn't really been out and about. Maybe I just haven't caught the pictures (although that's unlikely. I have one baby, am a stay-at-home-mom, cruise the internet while I nurse, and use google reader). But anyway, Pippa fills this guilt-free photo target quite nicely. Closely connected to the Royals, but no whisps of Diana's ghost following Pippa and her skinny jeans around. 3 Cheers for Pippa.

P.S. I predict that the name Phillipa is about to beat out Isabella for most common girl name of 2011 and 2012.

My old boyfriend is getting married.

He just never knew he was my boyfriend.

In high school my BFF and I bought each other the People magazine Prince William special edition book about him for Christmas. We swooned. I think my mom was just happy my version of teen heart-throb wasn't Kurt Kobain. My wisdom to the happy couple is to get those wedding snapshots taken before the bald spot on top of his head flourishes further, and please, no third parties in this royal marriage. You KNOW I'll be up at 3 in the morning to watch the wedding stream live!

In other breaking news, I've become a modge-podger. Isn't that the final step to domesticity?

current obsessions

1. pepperjack cheese (just bring a mint for a few minutes after, because what good could spice + dairy possibly do for a person's breath?)

2. my winding wheel by ryan adams.

3. kings -- the new tv drama with a loose biblical foundation. right now it's very promising, i only wish i could have a word with the person who's doing the princess' hair.

4. jethro tull...oh wait, no, i am NOT obsessed with jethro tull. they just play his tunes at work ALL. THE. TIME. what oh what is a bungle in the jungle?

5. i'm back on david sedaris. short stories just work better for girls with short attention spans such as moi.

6. cds in the car. maybe that's not so much a current obsession, but i do think it's worthy of a mention. i think my life expectancy just sky rocketed since i stopped bringing my ipod and don't have it to fiddle through while driving on the freeway. i basically listen to the same songs over and over again until i overdose on them, anyway. then i cast them aside like an ugly kitten.

7. bah. is it insane to wear the turtlenecks i love as the weather turns warmer?

8. sweet potato fries. remember when there was a big to-do when dan quayle spelled that word with an "e"? ah, the good old days.

9. let's go back to ryan adams. i always had this dream, this little tiny dream of taking a rocker in his miserable, narcotics saturated state, cleaning him up -- pulling a mrs. robert downey jr. if you will. our artistic inclinations would enable us to mesh perfectly, and it'd be love. then i'd have loads of songs written for me, and maybe one of them would have a harmonica in it. ever since i heard everybody knows by ryan adams about 1 year ago, and then heard a mini-bio from harry and sarah and cam, i decided if ryan and i ever came face to face, we'd just be MFEO and my mission for us would be mutually transparent.

it is with much cringing that i announce to those who do not already know that he just married MANDY MOORE. you know, mandy moore, the bubble gum walk to remember cheese bomber who once crooned a la revealed midriff the lyrics, "i'm missin you like candy" (don't forget that candy is actually said "cannnday-ay-ayyyy"). gross. my little hero dream snatched up by someone that emerged in the 98 degrees era. sometimes bad things happen to good people.

10. and last but not least, you. ;)

oscar soap box

when did the oscars become a cool kids table where they rip on anything that their [insert vegetable] sized intellects don't comprehend?  i watched it for a little while tonight and felt uncomfortable listening to everyone going on and on and ON about how these celebrities are carrying the world on their backs.  i don't doubt that acting would be difficult work, but it's a job, everyone's got to have one, and the praises were wwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy over the top.  they don't even talk about the pope like that.  

i'm really tired of everyone acting as though mormons hate gay people, or anyone else for that matter.  while i can't speak for all 13 million members of the LDS church out there in the world and how they feel toward other human beings, i know that hatred is not something the mormon doctrine is in line with, not one tiny bit.  i'm especially tired of this attitude people have about mormons being haters because these whiners certainly don't seem to be afraid of hating whomever they wish.  also, i believe as a mormon raised in a conservative family i have always been very able to identify and express my feelings.  and as jeff said, anyone who disagrees should definitely attend a sacrament meeting the first sunday of the month.  

there i'm done.  goodnight my pretties.

Fer rills.

On Friday night I found myself in Hollywood.

That's all I have to say for now.

oprah

this is what i know of oprah:

obviously she has more money than the queen of england, (although i think i remember reading in forbes that she has less money than j.k. rowling, which gave me great satisfaction), obviously she's all about the power to the women, obviously she isn't bothered by the subzero qualities of chicago to such an extent that she'd transplant her thang to a warmer climate, and that's about as far as she and i go.  ah yes, and my mother was once gifted with a year's subscription to her magazine, which basically means lying around my parents' house there were 12 chunks of her adverts for high priced home appliances, working mom/cushy clothing stores, and the final article always entitled something like "one thing of which i know," which was basically a new way to say each time, "be your authentic self, there are no rules, and have joy."  it made me feel very "at-one-ish" with  myself.  did i mention each cover shot was of her in some flowy skirt laughing gayly?  (according to my former roommate whose PR firm does regular work with her empire, there may or may not be a double meaning in the preceding sentence's last word, but that's another story for another time.)  

so even though my relationship with oprah is of rather a surface quality, i will say that i've happened upon a few of her shows that i've actually thought of several times.  

• during the summer of 2005 sarah and i got sucked into the show featuring a self made millionaire with a set of cheap-skate rules that enabled him to afford his wife's 5 karat diamond ring.  i remember he saved every other pay check.  he only bought furniture from foreclosed homes, and only shopped warehouse style (that 5 karat ring was from costco). in time that added up (with some very wise investments, i'm sure) and now he's sittin pretty.  everyone better get a costco card or else no one will ever retire, saith he.
  
• rudy giuliani may have guided NYC through 9/11 with courage and strengf, but he also was a cheating idiot back in the 80s.  his scorned wife lost her heart, but not her self-control, and faded with dignity into the divorce shadows.  shortly thereafter she was reunited with her high school/college love, the OTHER one who'd broken her heart, and with years of wisdom behind them, they joined hands, blended families, and both enjoy saint rudy's alimony.  it was cute.
• and yes.  i did watch the tom cruise couch jumping phenomenon, and am grateful to know for myself that he is a bit loony.  this bit of info has enriched my life greatly.  
• i watched an ex-polygamist compound child bride cry and cry about her decision to escape her texan prison; i did get sucked into that vortex of information.

so oprah, even though i get the sneaking suspicion you think you're the alpha and the omega, although you have seduced millions, and they look at you in your studio audience the way nazi youth looked at hitler, i thank you for your contributions to my little eaton life, and wish you joy in being your authentic self.

the end.

to all viewers of 24:

am i the only one who's bothered by the fact that president palmer has been so shamefully reduced to appear in the the occasional AllState Insurance commercial?

he's the former PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES, close friends with lone wolf JACK BAUER, and now all he can do is awkwardly stand there and pose the not-so-penetrating question, "can you afford not to be in good hands?"

someone, PLEASE get him a nice, cushy role on some law and order-ish tv drama.

more brain vomit.

one great thing about being single is you can have make out dreams with handsome dudes without feeling guilty or awkward.

last night's brain vomit dream: although i have never been...como se dice..."athletic," the first thing i remember is being up to bat in a major league baseball game, wearing a cute dress, heels, and (thank heaven) no baseball cap. i was teamed presumably with the angels, because i was in their stadium with the crowd roaring heavenly enthusiasm. i was apparently about to bring it all home for them. the pitcher was winding up and suddenly i had this middle aged, pudgy guardian baseball angel advising me to not swing at the next two pitches, and i'd get walked to first base. guardian baseball angels do not lie, folks. a moment or two later i was leaping and bounding my way to first base. nice.

then, in that inexplicably omniscient way of dreams, i just knew that the next three hitters would ultimately succeed, and i would find myself stomping onto the home plate in no time. the excite-o-meter was off the charts. i was, all of a sudden, a total sports junkie, one of those "for the love of the game" people.

enter him:

he offers to buy me dinner with a winning, slightly off-kilter smile, so i just peace out of the game and aerate the baseball field with my stilettos, hand in hand with ryan gosling.

we went out, and were definitely having fun, so much fun that i slept through my alarm until lindsey woke me up with fifteen minutes to get ready and leave for work.

ryan gosling: like dr. luca from ER, a forever-my-dream-love.

Disappointing. Very disappointing.

I bet he still uses a mac at home.

brain vomit

i used to get a kick out of thinking my dreams were more like visions*.

this all started in 11th grade when i had a dream that 2 friends from different social pools started dating. both stood on their scoff boxes, and yet, about 3 months later, boom! a couple took flight (and 2 months later crashed and burned, but hey, i never said my vision included wedding bells).

fast forward to 2006. my missions papes were in, and the mail carrier and i were, of course, becoming fast friends. i was absolutely dying to know where i would go on my mission. one night i had a dream that i was called to serve in the virgin islands. haha! salt lake, don't bother sending it in writing, i know where i'm headed. then the next night i had a dream i went to costa rica. that one, interestingly enough, put a stop to me thinking my dreams were dictating my destination, since going to 2 missions at once is something i'm just flat out not talented enough to do -- i'll be the first to admit it.

i went on to have dreams that carried my missionary service to sweden, germany, and then finally i dreamed my family played a prank on me and took my real call, and made a fake call, had me read both letters, and try and figure out which was the real one. one was to texas and one was to ohio, and in my snobbery i said, "well who cares? they're both stateside!" and then i woke up on a tear soaked pillah. then got the snot-nosed wind knocked right out of me with the whole stateside-is-boring theory as soon as i entered the MTC. anyway so i thought, when i received my call, that since costa rica HAD indeed been in one of my dreams, i could still have my visionary groove....? maybe? since i ws asking myself i answered, "yep," i thought, "i still got (a little bit of) it!" carry on, carry on, carry on.

a few months ago i had a dream an ex-boyfriend of mine no longer prefers women, and i'd find out if that makes me visionary if it weren't for the fact that i don't want to know.

fast forward to last night. this is what lindsey calls a brain vomit dream. and it answers the question once and for all that my dreams are dreams, not visions, not indications of the events of the rapidly charging future, and this sits just great with me. last night's dream involved a juicy love triangle including

and

and

and david hopkins was also there wearing some awesome boots.

so yes, brain vomit.

*i hope everyone who reads this blog knows me and my sarcasm/exaggerative tendencies/self-deprecating-yet-perfectly-content-with-herself/self-appreciating-self-centered-yet-gloriously-humble ways. and if you don't, it probably would be a very annoying link to ever click on, but i don't care, because it's ALL ABOUT ME, as is, pretty much everything, right???

Balance

What I'm reading right now:

A road-of-mortality-enhancing pleasure

A my-life-will-never-be-the-better-for-it-pleasure.

And the Oscar goeth tooooo

if i were famous, my name would be Meredith Diamante, the overall effect would be a blend of these 2 vixens,
i would divide my time between my london and prince edward island and palo alto homes, i'd have an on-again, off-again relationship with edward norton, and my breakthrough/oscar snagging role would be the lead in a sci-fi remake of hitchcock's vertigo, which i acted in opposite the aforementioned hunk.

naaaaaaaaah.

but even without the excuse to don a multi million dollar loan of baubles and custom made dress, i should like to thank the academy and the following people for these reasons, along with all the other forbiddingly intense services they continue to perform:

1. dad for playing the guitar down the hall as we fell asleep as wee kittens, thus making the sound of muddy waters an incredibly nostalgic and beauteous one.
2. mum for not raising me on doritos but rather on carrot sticks and golden spoon
3. elizabeth for preventing from cutting all my hair off again a few months ago
4. sarah for introducing me to the best version of sean connery as has yet been seen by the world
5. cam for having a diet coke intervention with me in 2005 and introducing me to ryan adams
6. alyson for teaching me to enjoy tricky situations and chuckle and chuck them off. you're a really cute bride, too.
7. annie wahnah brothah for teaching me how easy it should be to compliment often
8. heather for not laughing at me (too hard) when i'd make 39 point turns and take out my stereo, put it in the case, and hide it in my glove compartment every single time i got out of the car, whether it was to go to church or to run into rent a movie.
9. megan for praying for "a boy."
10. krisha for bringing turd ferguson to life for all of us
11. melissa l. and cora g. for being happy heroines of mine
12. lani lani lani for being a felon with me
13. auntie ruthie for abiding my laundry excuses when i'd not practiced the piano forte
14. katie w. for helping me perfect my horsie noises and robyn wright impersonations in the 80s
15. the big cheeses at the diet coke company for providing my guilty yet guiltless pleasure.
16. the big cheeses at people magazine for providing my other guilty yet guiltless pleasure
17. lindsey a., raime, brakell, and jessica for guaranteeing 1 hour of the work day on wednesdays will be sheer unadulterated fun
18. lindsey a. again for knowing so many movie lines she can be her own hero
19. annie g. r. for visiting pepperchini land with me
20. jesse waldowski for expiring my membership in the virgin lips club in your gold pontiac with cow print seats on the eve of easter sunday, 1999.
21. hilary, margaret, erin, kate, miji, becca, and ALL my other fuzzy cousins for getting me excited about a fuzzy eternity of cummings chocolates, singing in disonance (on purpose), and saying everything in as abnormal or round about way as possible
22. my uncles for giving my mom a fat complex as a young girl (jk)
23. my aunties for being ever perfect hostesses, full of sophistication and pluck and homes full of TLC and chocolate.
24. jim halpert for proposing to me in my dream last night
25. lott for being my uber amazing mission comp
26. hna. cintas for being my crazy but loveable mission comp
27. hna. gomez for teaching me how to make cheese, glue, and pinatas on the mishy mish
28. phil cendoma for staying "cool under pressure"
29. tara stella for getting almost teary with me about the george cloony/sara larson split
30. dana for buying us kona grill a few weeks ago
31. aubs for having the best pregnant belly and still being so stinking skinny
32. the dude who works upstairs in my office building who is the one and only soul to believe i should be called "G" -- it's an honor.
33. that's all i can think of right now. i've forgotten loads of people.
34. oh wait! bishop andreasen and president muir and uncle robert for showing me what a church leader can be
35. la familia moya for being happy no matter how many prehistoric spiders are dangling from their ceiling
36. darling and jader for giving me once in a lifetime feelings in getting to be a part of their baptism.
37. ken craig for having the best stress-relief blog and most well-behaved children
38. thank you, thank you, [blowing kisses] goodnight!!!!

Marky Mark Lovin

i get bothered by pretty boy celebrities of much teeny bopper attention. i tend to reserve fruitless crush calories to be burnt upon skinny, brooding, large shnozed actors such as


yet after a small selection of movies where he's proven he's not just overwhelmingly large amounts of bicep and a head full of air, i am converted.despite his best efforts in the 80s and 90s to prove otherwise, he seems to be pretty good at what he does! i will most definitely be borrowing sarah's clearplay for the happening by m. night shyamalan.